It is the true teacher who leaves the class knowing they have learned the most.
Tucson, AZ
Joined September 2006
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I will continue as long as I can to do the job that I have set out to do that is the best I can offer. I made so many mistakes and it was so stupid to take care of other people that didn't deserve it before myself. I regret so much especially that I won't be seeing you f2f again.
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To every person who hurt me I don't know how to feel because I don't hate you but the reason is is because I've had a world of Wonder and life and gold because of community and friendship. Please don't kill the web it was my salvation and so were you oh who cared about it and me.
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I've tried it all and I'm sitting here now able to get every kind of opioid or controlled substance like I care I hate opiates I'm going to start using ibuprofen which works and also destroys platelets like crazy. If it's an external bleed it's peaceful and painless.
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Friends come by they tell me I'm full of s*** I look fine or they tell me I'm crazy or whatever they have to say and they're not friends really if they don't care I know I don't care anymore about the future of nothing. I just want to know how pain that makes me scream will stop.
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I'm not ready to die because I'm not done living my life has quality and my kitty honey I won't leave her if I can. This is going to kill me and I wish I had done something to deserve it because I don't who gets such a life so blessed and painful. It's too extreme. And I am alone
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I'm in pain a lot of it physically and my heart is broken because of all the love given to me that I won't ever be able to give back in time. I'm sad no I'm mad because all of this could have been prevented if somebody had paid attention to my whole being and not my parts.
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I started bleeding at 4:00 it got a lot worse it never stopped until 48 and now 12 years later it started again with pain so severe these last 6 weeks I've been crying. I only found out it was cancer through the portal. I've defied prognosis before but palliative and hospice?
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I have lived nearly 10 years from those prognosis of bone marrow failure and decompensated liver disease. I can't tolerate any of the treatments including the diagnostics Mom and Grandma both had forms of lymphoma mom also had ovarian cancer. Grandma did not make it mom did at 83
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I have bone marrow for your disease and fourth stagé non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver how it's not alcoholic I'll never understand but you can see that it's been growing along long time. My blood and metabolism is doing very well my liver was reversing an irreversible stage.
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That just would find whether it's Hodgkin's or Non-Hodgkin's and which type there are over 50. And that determines prognosis and treatment which it is suitable in most people but not in me because the treatment is chemo, radiation, immunotherapies, bone marrow transplant.
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Lymphoma is cancer of lymphatic system which makes absolute sense in a bone marrow failure situation as I've had. And healthy people it can be treated there are 70 kinds give or take and the way they find out is to biopsy one of the lymphs. Mine are all internal. Meaning surgery.
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I have lymphoma. I thought it was my left ovary because that's where the pain was but it's really the inguinal of gland pressing on that ovary. There are multiple lymphs throughout the pelvic region. We had seen this in the sonogram I posted it could have been a number of issues.
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I already am dying of two different illnesses that I have kicked ass on and lived nearly 10 years with this is not going to survive it is part of the end stage as it turns out.
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Thank you Emma I've had great joy in life as well so I'm not going to give in right now. You're still a joy and fun in life and I'm making a decision a little different than I thought I might depending upon options which require a possible MRI which is loud but not intrusive.
My mother and my husband are passed and I have no children and my brothers are younger so it's okay I'm at peace with that as long as I don't have to die in any form of medical facility.
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I don't know about luck I just know about three children who decided their families had so many illnesses and diseases and problems it ended with us and so it will be no more generations within this family because it does end with us. And I think that's been a wise choice.
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Average lifespan with the type I have untreated is 1 to 3 years and some have gone as high as five so the problem is pain management it's painful very. I have had OBGYN problems two hemorrhagic cysts which required emergency surgery and occurred 364 days apart. Best doctors ever.
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But if I lose it please understand there's a reason. I have lived a very interesting life and don't believe in terminal dates as I've gone past them all already.
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I guess it's back to Arizona oncology this time as an oncology patient there's not a lot to do at this stage but where I'm already in palliative then hospice. Maybe it hasn't hit me full throttle but I'm really not upset maybe because I've already been intimate with mortality.
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