I will not die a slow death of morphine overdose I will not suicide myself because that could be hard to do and I could screw it up I want death with dignity and there are only nine states and you have to be a resident terminal which I have twice over and survived 10 years now

I don't want to be in pain if I could take ibuprofen or an anti-inflammatory I bet you it would work better than these stupid opiates that do nothing most make me very sick I can tolerate instant release oxycodone and Demerol which they don't use anymore. All of it shortens life

It does not extend it and staying off those drugs has helped me except for getting off of clonazepam which is exactly the moment when all all of this started who knows why maybe it was masking pain I don't know but I didn't have the bleeding.

My mother had ovarian cancer she miraculously survived because it was encapsulated and they caught it early. Then she survived Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma of the brain. And it was getting better at 84

I have not treated myself as well as she did she was very athletic I have like certain elicit substances since 14 when I was given them by men other than pot which I tried myself. I was not an alcoholic but I was a binge Drinker for 6 years very heavy toward the end and I stopped

In one day I got myself off of opiates prescribed I got myself off of 38 years of prescribed high dose benzos which is very very hard I did it and they all wanted the credit like we were a team and we won know there was no team I self initiated I did the work they were not there.

Most of my pain is from medicine not from anything I did to myself which should have caused I wish it caused my problems because then I can blame something I can hate myself for hurting myself but there is nothing I ever did myself has hurt me more then the US Healthcare System.

I want to finish my book I want to finish this paper I want to talk at conferences I want to see my friends again I want to take a fun I want intimacy and love I don't want to leave yet I'm not done damn it I am not done.

There is a Mayo Clinic in AZ. Mayo prides itself on being the place of last resort. Find someone there who knows Mayo, though. My spouse was auto-prescribed oxy by MAYO JAX.

If there is a member of your old CSS crew nearby, maybe they could physically help you get to Mayo and go along as a patient advocate. I always go with my spouse, now more than ever. An advocate would help you at VA as well.