She had finished chemo, was recuperating from her hip surgery and while improving, still very confused. She thought *I* was not wanting to stay there with her, which had been our family plan all along. Yet he stood blocking my way to the suite she made for her children.

she never loved him, she enjoyed some companionship with him but mostly made him her indentured servant as she had done with me but she wanted to be with me. She said "don't you have anything to say to my grieving daughter?" His words: "Oh well, that's the way it goes."

I'm not doing well so forgive my rant. I'm in the midst of the worst kind of hell, and have had two seizures. my primary care called right away and wants me in the hospital. I refuse. I refuse to sit in a waiting room, lie in a hospital bed, die in a medical facility. EVER.

I have called national, state, local resources from hotline, warmline, VA, all. They are all very kind, and are also saying I have to find an actual psychiatrist who knows how to properly taper long term benzos. I could use a therapist too for the duration of this horror.

It is not my time to go. I know this, I will not die, I will try every legal source and if I can't find one, I will find an illicit one. I say this without fear of repercussion. If the law wants to deal with my sorry ass, they will at least get me a doctor. The NP insisted I add

an SSRI (FUCK NO), Gabapentin (Useless) and Hydroxizine, which may calm me but will not stop seizures. They are not a good sign, especially that I lost hours and woke up on the floor once, and halfway out the balcony door on the concrete when Honey started yowling for me, sweet.

I'm going to call @UHC again, they have been trying. They are not succeeding either. There are online clinics but the only ones that can taper safely are not covered by any insurance. They are drug dealers for rich people. Fuck that shit. The other legal option is less costly.

And that is to undergo Ketamine treatment. It's a series of around 6 guided processes under the drug and then follow up per month or year or never depending. I love that model. You're in, your out. I'm also calling Arizona Oncology to see if they can help with a referall.

What breaks my heart more than anything is the absolute lack of care shown to me by the person who is supposed to be helping, and I had to pay her for five minutes of her time and no counseling, which is not what she should provide. I curse her. She harms. She is cold. Therapist?

I'll figure it out. I want to enjoy these better times. It was MY decision to stop this stupid drug, get away from the other clinic which wanted to cut me open and that would have killed me. He told me in December I had mere weeks. I'm actually medically BETTER. Not from them.