A doctor walks into a bar and orders an Almond daiquiri. As the bartender was preparing it he noticed he didn't have any almond liqueur, so he used a liqueur made from hickory nuts. The doctor took a sip then says, "This isn’t an almond daiquiri!” "No its a hickory daiquiri, Doc”

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems". I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I was riding on the bus and a guy next to me showed me a photo of his wife. "Isn't she beautiful?" he asked. "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife," I replied. "Oh, is she beautiful, too?" he asked. "No... she's an optometrist."