earlier replies
Prescribed benzos to control the tremors/seizure issues. They also put me on an anti-emetic anti-nausea drug that was also used to treat psychosis. I became sicker, #FEAR spread more, off of that I went. Sent home alone, my Mom in NJ said come. I was still under her insurance.
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What I underwent in the next year was just insane not only for me but for everyone - medical folks, family, friends. Illness and #FEAR especially can be crippling. My Mom and her partner went to Europe for vacation. Her friend Eda, a fellow professor at Kean University, visited.
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Eda was a biologist. She sat with me and talked about #FEAR from a scientific perspective. She explained it was our oldest defense - limbic system, adrenals - flight or fiight response. She also said that #FEAR is the origin of all human emotion, even love. I raged against that!
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Fast forward #FEAR a few years. I'd returned to Tucson with a diagnosis of "CFS" (aka M.E.). Not exactly a helpful or a real diagnosis, but a persistent set of common symptoms showing up in a lot of people testing negative for HIV/AIDS. This is how I found BBSs > Internet > Web!
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I met a woman a few years my elder. She'd been born with a congenital heart disease. She had what isi known as xenotransplantation. A pig's heart in place of her diseased one. She was inspirational and wise beyond lifetimes. She talked to me about #FEAR and role played a process.
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The roleplay process that almost completely eradicated #FEAR for me in a matter of hours to this day is this. 1. Take a chair and place it in front of you. 2. Imagine or use a doll/pillow/whatever works to anthropomorphiize FEAR 3. THANK FEAR FIRST 4. ASK FEAR TO NOT PERSIST
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I did this several times, saying a variety of things (well, yelling at times lol). She hugged me and told me she loved me. Sadly, she left us all too soon, but she has never left me. Her love and wisdom halted overwhelming fear. We eradicated #FEAR beyond its flight or fight use.
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One issue remained unresolved for me, and that was the question of how #FEAR lead to love. We all see how fear leads to hatred, to anger - a lot of negative emotion. But real love? It's taken years, but I recognize this week how it played out for me.
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When we truly look #FEAR in the face, we must also learn to manage all those negative feelings. No matter the belief system, the pervasive message and instinct in my head had to do with #FORGIVENESS - and not just one or two but ALL including ourselves.
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I began to #FORGIVE using the same method: roleplay. Fortunately, I only had a short list left as I want forgiveness too and if I want something surely I must also have the capacity to offer it. It's only logical! The conclusion of this story is that this is a path to #LOVE.
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I forgive. I love. I will not hold hatred in my heart for it poisons me and everyone around me. Anger? Bitchiness? Those ain't leaving. But I will not do unto others what I do not want done to me. I don't want any of us to #HATE or #FEAR. I LOVE YOU ALL. NO MATTER WHAT.

Apr 10, 2020 · 10:14 PM UTC

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Replying to @mholzschlag
Don't forget "and myself", whether you're there yet or not. You're one of "you all" too. Just the one whose eyes you happen to see out of.
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SO RIGHT! And the hardest part for me. I do address that, but the nature of Twitter breaks up longer form. It creates a unique experience. I do have the full text on FB and the latter few tweets in that thread speak exactly to how true forgiveness must be universal and revisited.
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Replying to @mholzschlag
xo
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This tweet is unavailable
I will help as I am able. First: Do you have access to medical care of quality and if so have you been looked at medically? Second: Do you have access to progressive behavioral health care and if so, have you been evaluated and/or diagnosed? Finally: Are you on meds of any kind?