It is the true teacher who leaves the class knowing they have learned the most.
Tucson, AZ
Joined September 2006
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Yes, the Colonel. Very disturbing story to me. Thanks re medical, pre-existing disability, complex. My interest in progressives in US military via family esp. Father (Army Infantry, South Korea, Purple Heart) and husband (Navy Corpsman, Vietnam, Silver Star). I miss them dearly.
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Suggestions wanted for post vaccine ~3 days binge-worthy series available via streaming in the USA. I like very dark, slow burn mysteries, psychological thrillers and cynical, dark and/or high camp comedies.
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This is such a disturbing story I don't even know how to parse it. I relate to wanting approval, but that's not approval alone - it's twisted beyond that. It's an act of aggression, emotions made weapons.
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Vaccine 1 done, almost denied to me because of on-site answer of "yes" to blood disease. I was to lie? I had to talk with the on-site medical staff who relented. Now, home vomiting bile, but that's nothing new. TCC HAS NO #accessible accomodation for anyone. Shame on #Arizona
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To be confronted relentlessly with an eroding social system that promotes hatred of intellect, gender, ableism, agism, worthism, classism, mysogyny from women and men alike - all human value systems become a form of trauma, not support. I think "help" "serve" "Love" but do you?
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Even if it happens, I don't believe anymore. Not in humanity, not in myself, not in god, not in you, not in anything. I don't know if a soul comes back from profound grief and loss, and I know the body does not. So what do you do? I thought "rebuild" was the right choice.
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The skin thickens, the sorrow overwhelms, the weakness undermines, the loss devastates, the fire burns whatever is left of empathy and love and the realization that maybe you gave others too much because you wanted to belong to something, be loved by someone, be cared about?
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But when it goes so fast, your beloved people taken unfairly, brutally when you are just coming of age where work, colleagues, respect, self-respect and identity mature and then gets blown to bits by war, abuse, neglect, fascism, the US Healthcare system ad nauseum?
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If people have hope, it's usually because they can see tomorrow. In their own hopes and dreams, in their children's eyes or hear laughter in grandkids. Or have a mother or father and no massive disease process and unmanageable pain syndromes. Be grateful if you have that. I was.
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Now I'm bitter and angry because I'm left with a mess not wholly mine. And a world of hateful people where few lights shine through. Yes, there are good people, but why let anyone back in? There is nothing but loss anyway, and that's just the way it is.
Did I make shit choices? Sure. Am I accountable for my shit? Yes. Did I ever get the skills as a child much less understand self-care or self-protection? Not at all. I was a thrown away human by 15, and anything positive in my life came through sheer determination.
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The social insistence that we should "ask for help" should be challenged. I asked for help. Medical. Behavioral. Social. Since I was 8 or so. Consistent result: Misdiagnosis, brutal treatments, destruction of my body and world. Humans dismantled my life because I let them close.
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I don't understand how then you could say go out to all the usual places what I don't go out at all except to oncology, primary care, and therapy. Isn't that a fascinating life? All the usual places I don't get it I'm sorry if I misunderstood but I don't know what that means
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Every time I put my foot in the water I get pulled in full force I tried to go for education and people make fun of me. I tried to start different things in people argue with me so much and I can't handle it I'm a contrarian I'm going to argue back. Fuck life extension. Fuck it.
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Thank you Gabriel that is comforting truly. I really don't need to hear I can do this. I don't describe my day-to-day life because it's nothing there's nothing here to describe. I really just want to deal with anything anymore except take care of my kitty who's really here for me
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I know I understand the intellectual reality I don't have it in my emotional being. It just is a void that I don't know how to work on that except to go to my therapy appointment now thank you at least I do get out there I get help the best way I know how
What Gathering spaces my friend I can't go anywhere don't you understand I have no immune system . I have a terminal illness
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You didn't Ivan it's me I'm the one belittling myself I don't have this skill set to deal with need and fear. I'm an alpha I was trained and even forced to never think of being dependent in this way. I was the family nurse caregiver.