It's funny - I've traveled the world, gotten multiple degrees, studied with martial arts masters, served a military career, and I can hack a computer or crack a safe, but I never learned how to do 'kid' things like carve a pumpkin, make easter eggs, or hang lights on the house.

Like, all the things ten-year-olds apparently learn to do, like make a gingerbread house or throw a baseball. I know none of those things. I promise I can use like 15 weapons proficiently, though.

Sometimes my friends are like casually, "want to paint an easter egg?" and I'm like sobbing a little while trying to understand how you make them the right density while trying to not let on I have NO IDEA what is going on.

I only know how to roller blade because I won a pair on a bottle of surge soda. It's a small victory.

I will also sober confess that I do not know the rules of football, and have never been to a football game, and that goes for both sides of the pond.

But I can show you how to hotwire a Dodge van.